I have to admit something. I've had babies on the brain for a while, even before we were married. Even before we were engaged, to be honest. I was a nanny, so that tells you something. Growing up I always had this vision of getting married and starting a family young. But now that we're married and we're creeping up towards our 30's, I can't help but have my mind drift to adding a few cute little kiddies to our zoo. Blaine is an amazing guy and the thought of him being a father just melts my heart.
Right now it's mostly just day dreaming, but it always gets me thinking. I don't want to mess with our chemistry, our relationship. I'm sure a lot of couples go through this when they start talking about starting a family. I just have this absolute fear that things will change and even if parents always assure childless couples that it will change for the better, I cannot help but be terrified that we'll lose ourselves or more importantly: each other. There are so many couples out there that are frustrated, hardly talk to each other and center their lives around their children. There are so many broken homes out there and I can't help but wonder if that couple skipped having kids, would they still be happily in love? I don't want that. I want Blaine.
Wouldn't it be great if I could look into the future and see us in our 70's with and without children? If you can arrange that, let me know because that would make this a lot easier. It's when I start thinking like this that a life full of traveling and doing whatever I want with the love of my life sounds so amazing and romantic. No spit up, diapers, fights about homework, angsty teenagers and endless amounts of expenses that come with having a child. But then I think if spit up or diapers bugged me I wouldn't have been a nanny and done all of that for other peoples children, right? And maybe all that would be worth holding a warm, snuggly little baby in my arms and watching my husband be someones father.
We always joke that we're ok with dogs. We'll just be dog people for life and not have kids. Then we both catch ourselves randomly saying "When we have kids..." or "I hope our daughter is cute like her" as we point out a cute little brunette toddler hobbling around some restaurant.
And then I remember to want something doesn't mean to need something. There are a lot of things I want, but can live without. The world is overpopulated right? Maybe we can get away with not having kids and appease ourselves by saying we're doing our part.
I could go on and on with my rambling thoughts about having children. I haven't even touched on our contemplation of adoption which (to my surprise) did not get a positive response when mentioned to family in casual conversation. I guess we'll see what the future brings us. For now -- we're dog people. And cat people. And rat people. And chicken people. I guess we have our hands full for now.
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